Wits end

Yesterday I woke up to a cheery little boy with lots of energy!  Micah , my little double dose of personality + steroid==more talking, jumping and fun than is allowed!!! I took the opportunity of early and quiet to play cars, marbles and talk.  We also read some of his insect books that we have been going through for school.  It was such a sweet time of enjoying the gift of my little boy and watching his creativity. Also, the sun was rising in the window and the Lord filled me with peace and contentment.

 

A few minutes later the girls woke up and came in the schoolroom and we all snuggled and enjoyed the peace of the morning.  Our school day was very full and packed, but we enjoyed our time learning...mostly.  Micah even made fun little pizzas for school / lunch!

(it's the little things)

After school and a little cleaning I needed to run a couple of errands, so I left with Micah while the girls were home getting ready for the Cav. football game.  I was driving happily with Micah and the next thing I know a truck was coming straight for me!!! He hit us! 

I went into shock while Micah was screaming in the back.

Our van front was completely smashed and not drivable, but Micah and I were ok.  Just very shaken.

  Why Lord?

... we ask during trials? 

  I think to myself...I'm living for You, in the Word, and trying to keep moving forward.

 Then why something else...right now?!

His Spirit whispers to me to remember that He works all things together for good and I must trust Him, even when I feel like I can't handle any more.

 

After rushing Micah to the kids care for his arm Monday, finalizing plans of Samuel's stone :'(, meeting with the cemetery on Wednesday, thinking constantly about Samuel's "angelversary", hearing the heart retching news recently about Tim's dad having cancer, my grandmother's sister and Tim's grandfather's sister passing away this week and feeling burdened about friends who are learning about a difficult diagnosis for their daughter.

It feels like too much.

 

Tim came quickly and handled everything while Micah and I sat in the fireman's truck.

 

 I was literally in shock and could only sit. I'm very thankful for the policeman's kindness. Tim had warned him that we had lost Samuel last year and I couldn't find the insurance card because I must have forgotten in the grief to put it in the van.  When he came to give me my ticket, he was kind and said he would do everything he could to help us and come to court on September 10th...

September 10th???!!! Of all days??! 

I

fell

apart.

Tim quickly asked if he could change the date and he graciously did.

Of all days, why that day?

I had to go home and lie down for a little while.

 

After a while we all went to watch Gracie at the game do her flag routine. What a sweet blessing it is to have friends waiting to give me a hug and check on me.  We talked and watched the game and it was a nice change in the evening.  Then the flag team performed.  It was beautiful!  The girls all have worked hard and I am so proud of their team. 

 

After the fun at the game, my sister Melody asked us to come and cheer her on at the Midnight Flight.  She has been working hard for months running and getting in shape and looking so beautiful!  I am proud of her and was happy to be there.

As we were driving in I saw a beautiful sight!

Floating lanterns with prayers written on them were sent up in honor of a

lady who is battling cancer and usually ran the midnight flight. They were gorgeous.

Praying now for another sweet soul, Wendie.

 She did it!

 

 sweet cheerleaders!

 

YAY, Audrey and Rebecca! Gracie was cheering her friends on, too!

my silly Daddy photobombing this picture ;)

 

 

What a special night it was. I know the Lord gives grace and I am thankful!

 My sweet friend sent me this today...

 

Good morning friend.  "The sun comes up...it's a new day dawning" and I'm thinking of u and praying for you as September comes and memories are heavy. Sorry about yesterday. I read psalm 107 this morning. God wants us to see His wonders in the deep. He knew we would be at our "wits end" often....I guess that's where He likes to keep us so we're always trusting Him.

 Thankful to "do life" with you. -Alisa

 

 

I'm thankful that the Lord constantly encouraging me.

  Some days feel too difficult, but He gives grace and reminds us to give it all to Him.

I'm praying today that we will continue in the faith, see His blessings in each moment

 and trust Him through it all.

 

 

 

 

 

Birthday disaster/ blessings

Happy Birthday to me :)  Actually, Monday was my birthday and it truly was eventful! First, my pre-birthday plans were amazing! My sweet friend and I drove to Asheville to The Billy Graham Cove and had supper and had an amazingly beautiful night of worship with Natalie Grant!

We sat on the 3rd row and I even met her and she gave me 2 hugs!!! What a blessing to me! I think I was so excited I probably made my self sick!  Then, this weekend we had really fun plans with friends, but Friday morning I woke up and we were plowing through our school day... when I started feeling terrible.  I finally took my temperature and it was 100'! I don't know about you, but when I have the slightest fever as an adult it wipes me OUT! So we were very sad not to go on our fun family weekend with our friends. I stayed home all weekend and cried. I think I have not been stuck laying around on my own in a while and things started to pile up (emotionally).  I was thinking how I had Samuel with me last year and he was finally a little more stable than he had been all summer. He would still smile occasionally and we had many sweet memories together, just laying on the couch and snuggling or reading books or just holding hands and talking. "He was the best listener", as his best buddy Knox would say and that is true.  His absence is always felt, but it's magnified on holidays and birthdays...so I was missing him.  I also was thinking of how it's almost been a year...

(his last haircut last August with Aunt Susu)

A YEAR...

since I have seen or held my precious little boy.

it is too painful to try to describe the hurt and sadness with that.
So this weekend,  I had too much time on my hands and not enough tissues.
After a very long weekend today was my day........
I woke up to sweet gifts from my family.  Annaleigh made breakfast and Gracie served!  Micah entertained with his singing and hugs. Tim and the children had gone shopping and showered me with goodies and a Keurig coffee/hot chocolate/tea maker :)!  We ate, had devotions and started school. Micah then got up and started toward the kitchen saying he was thirsty and the next thing I know he is laying on the tile floor crying out in pain!  I ran to him asking him what had happened??  He fell hard on his arm and it looked to be out of socket (I know about this well from swinging my baby sister Melody around for fun when we were little and pulling her's out of socket on Christmas day...sorry Melly)!  Micah was miserable and looked pitiful. I called the doctor and they said to take him to Kids Care (emergency dr for kids). Driving down the road was traumatizing for me because I couldn't help him. He was pale and starting to fall asleep...he NEVER falls asleep at 1 pm.  My mind was stirring and I was becoming very afraid for my precious little boy.
  We finally arrived at our destination and I had to carry him in as he was barely moving at this point. I was afraid and praying desperately.  I told them what was wrong and also let them know that my other son had passed away last year and I was out of sorts. They immediately jumped to get him in a room. I was grateful. BUT, before we left the check-in he sat up and proceeded to vomit several times!  WHAT is GOING ON!??  I quickly carried him to the little bed and the nurse started asking questions and he just piped right off and started telling her every detail of his fall and his pain???!!  What just happened?  HE seemed completely fine?! The conclusion was that he must have popped out his elbow and the pain made him sick and weak. When he actually was throwing up, it popped back into place. So that afternoon was quite crazy and I was still worn out from sickness, etc. 
    Needless to say, I was ready for some happy birthday cheer!  My Mama asked us to supper and was making my all time favorite...her famous lasagna, salad, bread and cake from the Sweetery!  I had a sweet time with my family and was finally feeling relaxed.
                    

 They all made me feel so special and loved.  My sweet sister even took the time to wash and curl my hair after my crazy day, to cheer me up.

 Then I got another surprise!  A few of my friends had planned to get together and celebrate, too!  We had such a nice evening sitting and talking.  I love to homeschool and be with my children, but friend time is a necessity!

 They showered me with cards and gifts and I felt the Lord's hand of grace picking me back up and reminding me that through the storms and pain that He will carry us.
Here are my thankful's for this week...

• concert happiness
• rest
• tears that bring healing even though they hurt
• sickness so I can grieve
• daughters and their serving hearts
• sons and the comfort they give to their mama
• Tim's merciful heart
• the ability to comfort others because we understand
• fun with the new contraption (keurig)
• mamas cooking and servants heart
• sisterly love
• Melody's giving heart
• tissues
• spending Wednesday working on the walk for Samuel and feeling rewarded
• figuring out how to use paint on computer
• happiness over a green picture with Team Samuel written on it
• unexpected flowers from a neighbor
• peaches
• gifts that are homemade or bought ...given with love
• a time to feel special
• family
• friends
• Micah's arm is ok

"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness'."  II Corinthians 12:9

"when you feel the rain, call His Name, He'll find you in the hurricane."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttKnLwwHlig

August blessings

Today I woke up not feeling my best, overwhelmed with all of the school to do with my children and of course, missing a big part of my heart.  BUT I am choosing joy today and want to try and start to blog more regularly again. So many friends, family and strangers kept up with our story as Samuel was so sick and I want to share how Samuel's life is continuing to bless. He has gone to Glory and that is where we all want to be. I rejoice that he is healed, but my heart hurts every day because he is not here.  Our family is moving forward, but will never move on from losing Samuel. I'm surprised that people actually put a time on grief.  My friend who lost her mama recently said that someone told her she would grieve for 6 months and then be ok...WHAT?! This was her mother. To me this belittles the significance of her life and what she meant to her daughter. I know many try to encourage, so we must give them grace, but it's best to just say that you will pray for those in grief. We will never stop missing or loving those that have left this earth. I do believe, in time, our minds become clearer and we don't cry as often or as hard...but we will always miss our loved one and we will never be the same.

So today I want to list some thankful's...because I still am "thankful for my blessings"

• His grace carrying us each day
• a full day of homeschooling and having quality time with my children
• fun activities for each of these 3 and feeling crazy, but thankful and wishing I had 4 to take to activities
• being needed
• a weekend blessing from friends with just my hubby and me

• sweet conversations with Tim and encouraging one another
• Mama's house for supper...sweet surprise
• fun plans for tomorrow and this weekend
• having the privilege to share about our life and the Lord's grace through Samuel's life
• my little boy loving to read...maybe an easier child??

• the girls enjoying school work
• Tim's excitement about fishing
• cute classrooms for my sister, mama and friends
• the dogs are still in the yard and happy

• Gracie's flag friends and mentors
• Annaleigh's running time and choir
• Micah (& Tim) playing soccer 
• his coach wanting them to wear green for Samuel and mito awareness
• the plans being made for a mito awareness walk :)
• laughter

• tears
• pain in the memories but cherishing them all
• God's grace again

Hebrews 12:1-3
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Cross references:

1. Hebrews 12:1 : S 1Co 9:24
2. Hebrews 12:1 : S Heb 10:36
3. Hebrews 12:2 : Ps 25:15
4. Hebrews 12:2 : Heb 2:10
5. Hebrews 12:2 : Php 2:8, 9; Heb 2:9
6. Hebrews 12:2 : Heb 13:13
7. Hebrews 12:2 : S Mk 16:19
8. Hebrews 12:3 : Gal 6:9; Rev 2:3

Stationery Card

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I can't wait... video of Samuel memories made by his Daddy

Celebrating in Heaven (Easter 2013)

   Can you imagine the celebration in heaven every day?  I can't wait!!! I imagine Samuel surrounded by the most magnificent colors, the most glorious singing and our precious Redeemer.  One of my children asked me tonight if Christmas or Easter was more important... and I told her that they were both important because we celebrate Jesus' birth and then his death and resurrection.  But then I thought Easter was the completion of why He came and I am overwhelmed with His presence and His Gift.  God came to earth, as a man and lived a perfect life and then was made to suffer and die a horrible death... for us.  He did this so that He could pay for our sins. 
We sin,
everyday and
HE paid the price so that we could be redeemed.
He saved us from what we deserve...
hell.
 Thank you Jesus! 
   Now I know that Samuel is healed and whole.  He is free from the burdens of this world and is full of Heaven's blessings.  He is with the Father and is in better hands now.  Of course, I selfishly want him with me, but I do have the assurance that I will be with him again.
 I was thinking that not only is my precious child with my Savior and Redeemer Jesus, but he is also with those who you have lost.
He has also met our favorite Bible characters... his namesake Samuel who was also called at an early age to serve the Lord in a way not many understood. 
Adam and Eve, Noah, Daniel, David, Mary and Joseph, the disciples...
this gives me chill bumps!!  What a glorious day it is everyday in Heaven and how wonderful it is to have Easter to celebrate Jesus and His resurrection (of course, we celebrate daily, but you know what I mean)!
   My family just celebrated Annaleigh's birthday and we will be celebrating Tim's tomorrow (on Easter) and this is so difficult without a piece of our heart with us.  The Lord is providing great comfort peace to us all and carrying us each day.  This doesn't mean that our hearts don't ache.  It is unbearably painful sometimes and the tears come at unexpected times, but we keep our focus on the Lord and His plan.  "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts'" (Isaiah 55:8-9).

Thankful for His promises!  Rejoice!

John 11:25, "Jesus said to her, I am the resurrection and the Life, he who believes in Me will live even though he dies and whoever lives and believes in Me will never die."

Easter 2008 memories

Thank you Lord that in You, Samuel lives!!!!!

”I still would have chosen you”

I Still would have chosen you - By Terri Banish

”If before you were born, I could have gone to heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you

If God had told me, "This soul would one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you

If He had told me, "This soul may make your heart bleed", I still would have chosen you

If He had told me, "This soul would make you question the depth of your faith", I still would have chosen you

If He had told me, "This soul would make tears flow from your eyes that could fill a river", I still would have chosen you

If He had told me, "This soul may one day make you witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you

If He had told me, "All that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you

Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you.”

4 months today.

Miss him more everyday.