Two weeks ago I was holding my sweet Samuel still. He had taken his last breath at 6:17a.m. that morning.
The Lord allowed Tim and I to consider that he may be too sick and weak to keep fighting on Sunday afternoon. He had a fever for awhile, but Sunday it became very high and nothing was helping to lower it. Tim and I were by his side all afternoon with cold cloths, a little fan, tylenol & ibuprophen. His little face was so pleasant, but he was miserable. Then his o2 became so low, we had to put a cannula on his nose, which normally he would not stand, but he felt so bad he didn't care. The other children wanted to go to spend the night with their Grammy and aunts, so we let them. Tim and I sat with him in the new room enjoying the cool air conditioner and watching the sun set. Tim asked Samuel if he could see his angel and he turned his head to the right and looked at the corner! I prayed he would have great comfort! He cooled off a little and went to sleep. His breathing started sounding a little better so we thought, like every time before when we thought he was too tired to fight, he may be getting better. We continued his breathing treatments and that helped a little, it seemed. So, Tim made a comfy spot on the couch for Samuel beside me and Tim was on the other side of him and we slept for a little while. Early Sunday around 1am & 4 am he woke up struggling to breathe and his eyes were open, but he was not looking at us like normal. A few other things happened that were confusing and hard and we realized his body was not working right anymore. Tim & I tried so hard to stay strong and comfort him all night. We sang many sweet songs about heaven and the Lord's comfort and care. We read many Bible verses and prayed many times. We held his hands and snuggled. We loved him so richly for almost 8 years and the last night was full of our love for him and the rich blessing he was and is to us. As his breathing became slower we said again his favorite verse, the 23 Psalm. Tim wanted to play the song ”Come to Jesus” for him and us. As that song played, we reassured him he was about to be healed eternally and be safe in the arms of Jesus, at that same moment he left his body. We were broken and mourned so deeply our precious son.
We held him for awhile and then called our dear hospice nurse. We called our children and family. They came and loved on him and the Lord brought us great comfort on this day that we had all been dreading. We were able to spend awhile with his body and then we knew it was time. Tim carried him, as we always did, to the hurst that came to get him. No stretcher in the house. The funeral director said he had never seen anyone do that before and it changed his life. We loved holding our boy and helping him; that was our life. They took him away and we held each other.
Later that night we wanted to see his body prepared before the children and that was so very hard for me. The next day I could see the value in seeing him that way. It was just his shell, he is in heaven. It was so hard to look at him in his funeral bed, those beautiful curls and long eye lashes. He was so perfect and peaceful. He didn't look like he was in pain that last night. I am so very thankful that Tim and I were with him the whole time.
Every day since we have tried our best to figure out how to do life with this huge piece missing. The grief comes in waves. I still think at 9 pm I need to hook up his feeding pump. Tim comes home and always came to talk to Samuel and give him a kiss first, but then stops and catches himself. The house is so quiet without his treatments and shaking vest going. The oxygen is gone. All of his equipment and things are every where and I'm not sure when and how to move them. And much more. The kids are sad and miss him, but they are doing better than we expected; their grief is there and they are expressing it in there own ways. Tim and I and all who love him are missing him and mourning. We feel a hole in our hearts so deeply it is painful at times. If you ask us how we are we may not answer, because we are sad but don't always know if the person asking really wants to know. We do rejoice that Samuel is healed and is Glory, but it is painful to know we will never him here again. He was a precious saint and touched so many lives. We will always be thinking about him and missing him, everyday. Today I am thankful for His promises that are carrying us through this new life without Samuel and knowing that he is in heaven and happy and perfect in Jesus arms.
”Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. ”
We also sang this song to him many times over the part few months. A friend sent it to him and he knew it well. We sang it his last night and at his funeral. It is Samuels song.
”And on that day
When my strength is failing,
The end draws near
and my time has come,
Still my soul will sing
Your praise unending,
10,000 years and then forever more!
Bless the Lord, o my soul,
Worship His Holy name.
Sing like never before,
Oh my soul, I worship Your holy name