New year 2013

This year end is different. 2012 was the hardest, most painful year of my life. Watching Samuel struggle and in pain and losing him was more than I could bear.  My mind can't even fathom that he is really gone, its too much.

 

 We miss his sweet smile,

 

giggles with Daddy,

 

 

brothers and sisters,

 

 

having fun,

 

 

 his playful eyes,

 

 

, his curls,

 

 

 his kisses

 

our family togetherness,

 

 

and so much more.

 

 Pictures comfort and bring sadness. He taught so many people so much and brought to our family joy that is indescribable. He had special needs and with his absence I miss that beautiful special world. I don't want him to be suffering, but I selfishly want my little boy here. 

As we face this new year without our little boy, I pray that the Lord will continue to use Samuel's life to influence and Teach. I also pray He will continue to bring comfort and Hope to those in pain.

I can't wait for the day when beauty will rise! I'm thankful today for the Hope that one day all of our pain will be gone and we will be whole again.

”Out of these ashes... beauty will rise and we will dance among the ruins We will see Him with our own eyes Out of these ashes... beauty will rise For we know, joy is coming in the morning... in the morning...”

"Steven Curtis Chapman - Beauty Will Rise - Lyrics" on YouTube

 

I wanted to share some treasured memories of this year.  Thankful for each day that we were blessed with Samuel and storing these moments in my heart forever.

A sunset he painted for us after his heaven going.

 

Christmas in heaven

As we are surrounded by the Christmas season, we are missing our boy so! I went to his spot and decorated a couple of weeks ago. We have a flag, a beautiful wreath and bow from a dear friends, a shiny tree and snowman that another sweet friend found for him. It feels good to do things for him, even though it makes me sad, I also want to be near where his earthly body is and do things for him! My sweet friend, who's son passed away 3 days before Samuel shared a song with me, ”Christmas in Heaven”... Here is a small part:

”Is there snow falling down on the streets of gold? Are the mansions all covered in white? Are you singing with angels silent night? I wonder... what Christmas in Heaven is like.”

I can only try and imagine. I know it is beyond what our mind can fathom. This Christmas season is hard. With pain and sadness surrounding so many. The empty place in our home and hearts. Even though we weren't sure if Samuels strength could press on, walking down the road of not sure ...to him being gone is something that you cannot prepare for. I miss holding his hand and cuddling with him. I miss his curls. I miss his tube beeping. I miss pushing his wheelchair around...And so so much more!  We are all changed and our family will never be whole again. 
I am thankful the Lord has given me something to celebrate.   I was focusing on my sadness and grief and everyone else was excited about Christmas...then He reminded me to celebrate Him! Without Jesus coming to earth, born in that manger, we would not have this promise of heaven and this gift of eternal life. My precious son is in heaven because of Christ's ultimate gift of dying on the cross for our sins. So, I need to rejoice and be ever grateful! I was lost, but now I am found. Praise the Lord for this most precious gift.
I know celebrating without my little boy will be difficult... until I am with him in heaven, but if I keep focused I can have JOY this season.

(I know so many pray for us daily, thank you! We need it!  Also, many are lifting up the families who lost their precious children last week, this pain is unbearable. Will you also remember a few friends of ours who also won't have their child with them this Christmas got the first time?  The Edwards, the Eatons, the Jacobs, the Burgess', and the Winstanley family. There are many more, who are missing their children daily and this will be their 2nd, 3rd or more year trying to figure out how to live without part of their heart. Thank you so much)  <3

*** beautiful song...
Watch "Christmas In Heaven" on YouTube

Picture is from last year <3

Sprinkled with love

Our precious friends ”sprinkled” us with love as we celebrated Samuels life for his birthday. Sharing my friend's blog about it. <3  Our family is truly blessed with amazing friends! Thankful that He put friends in our lives and they stuck with us, even when they knew what being our friends would mean... Constant encouragement, service, meals, support, gifts, hugs, calls, texts, support, loving us, helping clean, organize, etc.!  Our friends chose to stay our friends through the good and bad and love us through it all.  I pray I can bless others as they have blessed our family. The Lord blessed our family with sweet, precious friends and we are so thankful!

http://woventogether5.blogspot.com/2012/11/sprinkling-sky-for-samuel-our-dear.html?spref=fb&m=1

Prayer in the desert

My sweet friend from church reminded me of this song and asked me to sing it with her when I was ready. Today I went back to praise team. It was so good to sing out and worship, but it was hard, too. I want this to be my family's theme song right now. I pray that we will honor Him who created us in all things, especially when it is hard. ”All of my life, in every season, YOU are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship!”  I also, love the part that says, ” refine me Lord through the flames”. Suffering is hard, pain is so very hard, loss is unbearable. I want, with all of my being, to run my hands through those beautiful curls, look into those bright blue eyes and kiss those sweet lips. I think all of our family had a hard day today, missing him. Today, the 10th marks one month since we held him last. The Lord is using Samuel in so many ways still, and for that I am so very grateful! I have heard of salvation through God using Samuels life on this blog and healing in several hearts. Our beautiful boy's life will continue to bless others, I pray.
This pain is more than we can bear, at times. God NEVER promises that He will not give us more than we can bear. (most people get confused with 1 Cor. 10:13 ...says He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what your are able).  Losing a child is beyond what anyone can bear. Some days we just want to stay in bed, some days I want to sit and stare and everyday I am edgy, sensitive, tired, dizzy and weepy. I want to be the wife and mother that God wants me to be, but it is hard. Tim is so precious to me, but if he looks at me funny, I might fall apart.  We are all struggling, but I have faith that He will carry us.  He does give us His strength and carries us. Job was taken through great loss and trials, but he remained faithful and the Lord was honored. May we all cling to our Father and thank Him for our trials. May He ”refine us all through the flame”.

"Desert Song"

”This is my prayer in the desert. And all that's within me feels dry. This is my prayer in the hunger in me, My God is a God who provides.

And this is my prayer in the fire. In weakness or trial or pain. There is a faith proved Of more worth than gold, So refine me Lord through the flames.

[Chorus:] And I will bring praise, I will bring praise, No weapon forged against me shall remain.

I will rejoice, I will declare, God is my victory and He is here.

And this is my prayer in the battle, And triumph is still on it's way. I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, So firm on His promise I'll stand.

[Bridge:] All of my life In every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship!

This is my prayer in the harvest, When favor and providence flow. I know I'm filled to be empited again, The seed I've recieved I will sow.”

Watch "DESERT SONG ( HILLSONG)" on YouTube

Picture is last year at this time <3