changes

originally written on Monday September 9, 2013

Last year at this time I still had my sweet Samuel in my arms. He had a fever, but had them most of the time. This time we couldn't get it down and he was not well. We knew that he had fought so hard for a very long time. We pushed, but to no avail. I was thinking about all of the changes that a year can bring... Last year we changed diapers and had for over 12 years with new babies and life blooming around us. When others rejoiced that their family was diaper free, that was not something that I wanted up think about...because Samuel could never be diaper less and that was ok. He was content as I. We had medical supplies spread out all over the house. Oxygen was on hand, feeding tubes, pumps, syringes and medicine. His room had been transformed with a hospital bed, special pillows and a recliner. We were able to sit by him all night if needed and snuggle on his recliner together and read or sing. Our house was always busy and full...nurses, therapists, family and friends were always over and we joked that we needed to install a revolving door. It had become too hard on Samuel to take him out, so we brought everything to him... from toys & games to fellowship and family time. He was not the same, but we savored each moment together. What a joy to have this precious boy in our home, constantly loving and kind. Our conversations had become deeper and more meaningful.  We often talked of God's grace and comfort because we experienced it daily.  We also thought of heaven and were able to share with our children the gift that the Lord had given through Jesus...eternity in heaven! To know that we have this gift and life with no pain or sadness waiting was hope. Even though I never wanted to think of losing Samuel, I knew he was declining and we prayed and had faith in healing, but He had another healing for Samuel which was far better in eternity's view. 

 

 

This year you will only see 5 in our family, but we are 6. The hole on our hearts will never be healed. Our house is quiet, there is no more medical equipment taking over. There is no chair on the floor to step over. It's quiet and seems empty.  There are no constant knocks at the door.  The house doesn't need to stay picked up.  The bath chair doesn't need to be moved in and out of the shower.  The laundry isn't nearly full.  The medical equipment isn't filling the kitchen and laundry room.  There are many more changes.

More than this, there isn't a beautiful, angelic face offering a smile.  His little arm is not waving to let you know that he wants to hold it. His little legs are not kicking and needing his blanket wrapped around them again.  His sweet little eyes are not sparkling and letting me know he is ok.  All of this is overwhelming and I miss him more each day.  He was a gift, treasured and loved greatly.  I want to say that losing my sweet boy is meaningless, but I know that God has a purpose.  September 10th was the worst day of my life, but yesterday the Lord reminded me that it was the best day of Samuel's life.  He entered Glory. He was healed that day, yet we were left with emptiness.

Since losing Samuel hearts have been changed and minds think differently,  Many have been blessed with conversations of heaven and what eternity is like.  My children and I read Heaven for kids by Randy Alcorn and were able to picture Samuel's wonderful life now.  Many other deep and meaningful conversations have come to fruition since Samuel went to heaven. Samuel made heaven real to many and for that I am thankful.  he is walking with the hero's of the Bible. He sits with Jesus and knows the secrets that we desire to know.  He worships with the angels.  What a glorious comfort!  Even though I desire to be positive, I just miss him...

my prayer this week, may he comfort us and make us strong though we are weak

"Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need."




I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say you do it all in love
That I might know you in your suffering
Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need
My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all
Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need
Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still more than I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me
[Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.
I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen.
When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don’t say, “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory.
Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.]
Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

Here is the video link...such a blessing to broken hearts...

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/a-song-for-the-suffering-with-john-piper